What is the best way to influence someone?

According to Rob Yeung, author of I is for Influence: The New Science of Persuasion, simply telling people what they should do is an almost guaranteed way to get them to refuse to do it.  If you plead with your partner, for example, to take out the garbage, you’ll probably find your request falling on deaf ears.  Offering someone rewards may also fail.  Why?  Because the reward may enhance motivation in the short term, but when it is removed, the person no longer wants to do the task.  So what is the best way to influence someone?  It’s better to focus on the intrinsic nature of the work, such as the satisfaction they will get from doing it.

What is the most important factor in effectively exerting influence?

Body language is probably one of the biggest factors in influencing people.   Do you spend time polishing what you’re going to say, but forget about your body language?  If so, shift your focus.  One study found that about 80% of the impact business people giving presentations had was nothing to do with the words they chose.  Rather, their greatest influence came from how they held themselves, their gestures and tone of voice.

What are some other key strategies in the art of persuasion?

To make a huge request, start by making a very small one.  This is called “the escalating enquiry,” and is the principle behind many mail-order firms.  Here’s how it works.  The mail order firm asks you to spend just $10.00 or place one order.  Once you’ve made it, it’s like they’ve shattered a psychological barrier and accepting a bigger request doesn’t seem that much of a big deal.  In everyday life, if you ask someone for five minutes of their time, they’re much more likely to agree than if you ask for 45 minutes.  Another strategy is to ask someone to imagine they’re doing something.  For example, if you state, “Imagine yourself getting the clothes from the dryer and folding them,” they’re more likely to do it than if you just asked.

Influence is a learned skill.  When you master the strategies of effective influencers, you tap into your ability to create the outcomes you desire.  Master influencers also know, however, that they are not in their control zone.  You can never make another person do, say or feel something.  It is always the other person’s choice.  Try these strategies because they work – not always but often.  And when they don’t, recognize that you gave it your best shot and move on to Plan B.  That’s POWER Optimism in action.

Source: Psychologies Magazine, October 2011, p. 34.

Guest blog by Judith Zamost Grossman

In July 2011, my Garmin became my best friend. Visiting the
Hudson River Valley for the first time, without a map or computer directions,
my husband and I knew that our GPS system, affectionately known as Hope, was
our only hope. Each day I typed in the addresses or names of places we planned
to visit, and Hope came through every time.

Occasionally we would decide to go to a local restaurant or
store, and when we swayed from Hope’s directions we would hear her say,
“recalculating.” She would figure out where we were and set us on a new path.
At one of those moments, I looked at my husband and said, “Recalculating –
That’s how I’ve had to lead my life for almost two years.”

I am a cancer patient fighting a very rare form of cancer, known
as liposarcoma, which is a soft tissue sarcoma. I fought and won battles
against liposarcomas in my right thigh and groin in 1995 and 1999, and for ten
years I lived a wonderful, normal life with my husband and two daughters.

In 2009, another liposarcoma was found in my groin, beginning a
journey involving chemotherapy (with the requisite hair and weight loss, low
blood counts, blood transfusions, mouth sores, hemorrhoids, sleeplessness…)
followed by a 10-hour surgery, hospital stay, recuperation, physical therapy,
weight gain, hair growth and entry back into the world. Would I have ever
believed then that there could be a recurrence of the cancer? Well that’s what
happened – this time with surface tumors on my thigh and one on my right lung.
Back for more surgeries, 40 rounds of radiation of my thigh, and then a
post-radiation MRI and CAT scan, which revealed a new tumor on my lung. On to
more chemotherapy, which unfortunately still didn’t get rid of (or even shrink)
the tumor. And then on to Cyberknife, which may be slowly working. My
journey continues…

So why do I say that recalculating is how I’ve had to lead my
life? Because it’s the only way I’ve been able to remain sane through this
nightmare I’ve been living. Let me explain.

Although I would say I am, regrettably, a pessimist at heart, I
believed last year that I would be in remission following the months of chemo
and difficult surgery I endured. I never thought otherwise. I expected to pick
up with my life.

I was wrong and had to deal with the cancer returning just a few
months later. This time I realized my life would not be the same, and I think I
subconsciously started to recalculate my thoughts and the way I approached my
life.

I want to share my philosophy on recalculating with other cancer
patients and those living with serious disease. Maybe what I have learned will
provide some help and solace to you.

RECALCULATING Treatment: It’s important to understand that
certain treatments work better on some people than others. Forget about the
numbers you’re given (“it works on 50%, so the odds are good”), because the
odds aren’t often good enough. Cancer is an evil intruder that is often
stubborn and difficult to beat. Be prepared to change treatments mid-stream and
go with the flow. Maybe one of them will work.

RECALCUTING Expectations: So the doctor told you that your
treatment will start in a week. The sooner the better, you think. Then you
learn that your insurance company is questioning the treatment, asking for all
kinds of documentation, and dragging its feet. Next week becomes three or four
weeks later, while your tumors seize the opportunity to grow larger.
Recalculate your expectations because things usually don’t go the way you
imagined.

RECALCULATING Daily Routines: I feel fortunate that I haven’t had
to recalculate my daily routine much of the time. For me, being able to
continue working (except for the times when I feel sick from treatments or am
post surgery), is a welcome relief. Focusing on things other than my illness
helps me get through the day, and work is a reason for me to get out of bed in
the morning. However if work isn’t for you, recalculate and try to find something
you enjoy doing when you’re feeling well, whether reading a good book, watching
old movies, seeing friends – maybe attending a support group – whatever is
right for you.

RECALCULATING Friendships and Relationships: Having cancer
affects your relationships with others. Normal conversation changes when you’re
worried about your next treatment, another tumor, whether you’ll be here next
year… It’s harder to talk with others about things that were once normal,
because your life has changed so dramatically. It’s okay to tell friends and
loved ones that you need your privacy and will be back in touch when the time
feels right. Sending an occasional email update (always best to blind copy the
recipients) can be an easier way to stay in touch. Or writing a blog if you’re
up to it. Taking care of yourself and your emotions, and being less concerned
about others, is paramount now.

RECALCULATING Plans: Planning vacations, buying theater
tickets, and making dinner reservations is a normal part of life for many.
Looking ahead to good things keeps you going when work gets tough, kids are
demanding, and the everyday stresses of life take over. It’s best, however, to
forgo planning when dealing with cancer. With changes in treatments and
schedules, unexpected side effects, and many doctor appointments (just to
mention a few kinds of interruptions), it’s difficult to know your schedule a
week in advance, no less months in advance. Recalculate your thinking and enjoy
a last-minute getaway (good deals can often be found online) or take a trip by
car. (It can be a relief not to have to go through airport security, and
packing is so much easier when traveling by auto.) Want to go to the theater or
a sporting event? It’s not necessary to always buy tickets in advance – see
what’s available the day-of, and you may be nicely surprised.

When I first started writing this piece, I read some of it to a
dear friend who had battled another rare type of sarcoma. Much of what I wrote
resonated with her, and something she said particularly resonated with me. She
said that to get through many of life’s challenges (not just illness),
individuals need to recalculate their thinking – whether to cope with the death
of a loved one, handle unemployment for a prolonged period of time, or get
through a divorce. Without recalculating, we are more apt to get stuck in a
myriad of emotions that could end up paralyzing us. Recalculating is a way to
rebalance oneself to survive whatever the challenge.

HOPE for the future is the only thing I will not recalculate. I
need to keep this resolve for all of the battles I have yet to fight.

I hope you try recalculating in your life. It might just help
you find your way.

If you wish to reach me, email judyzgrossman@gmail.com.

© 2011 Judith Zamost Grossman All
rights reserved.

We often have mental pictures of the perfect holiday based on television, movies and advertisement images.  Even though we know these images may be unrealistic, especially when it comes to the difficult people in our lives, we hold on to them.  Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, stress and depression over this holiday season, learn about two tips to neutralize the difficult people you encounter over this holiday season:

Learn more tips and strategies to prevent other people’s “difficult” behaviors from ruining your holiday season.  Neutralize those negative behaviors in 2012 with the No More Difficult People series…on sale for 50% off.  Click here for details.

No one moves forward in a straight line.  If you are in a funk because of the one step forward, two steps back dance you are doing, it can help to remember that you are not alone.  Stories about famous people who succeeded against the odds, who suffered enormous obstacles and setbacks but didn’t cave in or despair, can be uplifting.  Here are a few:

THOMAS EDISON, the inventor of the light bulb, was told by his teacher that he was too stupid to learn anything.

CHARLES DARWIN, the famous naturalist and developer of the theory of evolution, did quite poorly in his early grades and even failed a university medical course.

WOODROW WILSON, a Rhodes scholar and president of the United States, didn’t learn the alphabet until he was eight.  He didn’t read until he was eleven.

ALBERT EINSTEIN did not talk until age four or read until age nine.  He performed badly  in almost all his high school courses and failed his college entrance exams.

MICHAEL JORDAN was actually cut from his high school basketball team.

AGATHA CHRISTIE, the British mystery writer who was called the Queen of Crime, wrote nearly 100 books that have sold some 2 billion copies – even though she had a learning disability called dysgraphia, which makes it hard to write legibly.  (And this was before computers!!)

If you want to persevere on a difficult task and bounce back from adversity, try saying a simple phrase to yourself.  For example:

• It doesn’t have to be perfect.
• I can learn from my mistakes.
• Everybody makes mistakes.
• I can’t get any better unless I try.
•  I made a mistake.  Now I’ll correct it.  I can turn it around.

Now it’s up to you.  Like the people mentioned above, you can keep at your dreams until you succeed.  Or, if you’re ready to move on, you can do so from a position of strength, knowing you gave it your all!

Source:

www.WorkingMother.com  (August/September 2011, p. 42) 

Are you continually bringing yourself down under the guise of pulling yourself up?  How often do you admonish yourself to work harder, be better, exercise, lose weight?  These types of internal judgments and criticisms weigh you down with shoulds and oughts.  The end result:  you are critiquing yourself into a bad mood and a downward spiral.

The key to stopping this kind of downward slide is to restore balance to your life.  You want to enjoy your experiences with a sense of freedom and spontaneity, not punishment and shame.  How can you best bring about this balance?  The key is in slowing down, breathing and noticing.

The first step is to simply pause and breathe for a few moments.  Notice where your thoughts have taken you, for example, to places of fear, sadness, worry or stress.  Continue to relax and breathe deeply.  Now, discover if your thinking is putting you on a downward spiral by asking yourself the following questions:

• Am I confusing a thought with a fact?
• How realistic is this thought process?
• Is there another perspective I could take, another way of thinking about this issue?
• When did I last take a break or do something just for myself?

Using this technique, it is easy to see how out of proportion your thoughts can become if left unchecked.

The second step is to dig deeper to uncover the stressors that are throwing you off balance.  Again, practice deep breathing and notice what these stressors may be.  If nothing comes to mind, use contrast to help identify your current stressors.  Think about a time you felt strong, vibrant, fulfilled and motivated.  Ask yourself:

• What was it about that time that was different from now?
• Have I taken on more than I can realistically manage?
• When did the joy go out of my life, routine and/or work?

When you discover the stressors that cause you to be out of balance, it may be time to learn how to say “No.”  It is essential to recognize that there are times when you just can’t do everything you would like to be doing.  The long-term cost is too high when you no longer feel the zest and joy of life.

Here’s an exercise to help you slow down, pay attention, and practice enjoying the moment.  The activity involves savoring your food.  When preparing a meal, breathe the smells, observe colors and forms, focus on the experience.  Before eating, breathe in the aroma, look at the color and shapes on your plate.  When eating, chew mindfully and notice how you feel as the flavors dissolve on your tongue.  Not only will the food lift your mood when you eat mindfully, but by savoring your meal, you will also be practicing the art of slowing down and instilling balance.

When you slow down and practice staying in the moment without judgment or admonishments, you are restoring life’s balance.  You can start to notice the good things in life, recognizing these essential components as the cornerstones of your wellbeing and happiness.

Source:

Psychologies Magazine, August 2011, pp. 72-73.