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"Create the outcomes you want...regardless of the circumstances."

Motivational Keynote Speaker

Tag Archives: difficult people

How to Deal With Difficult Employees

Published on: August 15, 2017 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
difficult employees

 

Contributed by Freelancer — Jackie Edwards

Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

It has always been the role of the manager to deal with uncooperative and difficult employees in order to solve any issues which are affecting the overall organization. One difficult employee can ruin the working environment creating a host of negative effects. There are many reasons as to why employees can be difficult and as a manager, it’s always important to approach your workers positively to identify the issues that they might be going through. Employee productivity, morale and customer service levels are highest when employees are working effectively as a team and are following the set rules and regulations of the organization.

When an employee causes disruption

An employee can display disruptive behavior in several ways. It’s the responsibility of the manager to follow the steps outlined below to solve the issues amicably.

Most managers tend to turn a blind eye to the problem and bury their heads in the sand assuming that the problem will go away. This may be due to a dislike of confrontation but allowing difficult employee to go on a rampage will only worsen the situation. This air of dissent affects not only the employee but all that are around it. An issue involving an awkward member of staff should be nipped in the bud as soon as the manager senses that something is amiss to avoid unnecessary issues in the future.

Once you have observed and evaluated the issue, you then come up with a plan on whether to coach, counsel, train or discipline the rogue employee. Not all problems require punishment. The issue could be deeper and the disruptive employee might be having some personal issues that require attention. Think carefully about the decision that you’ll make as it will pay great dividends when handled properly.

Focus on the behavior and not the individual

Since your aim is to resolve the situation, it’s important to focus on the behavior and not the individual. Do not attack the individual while assuming that the disruptive behavior is because of a negative intention. Come up with a solution together with the affected employee that will benefit all parties involved.

Plan a follow-up

Once you’ve come up with a solution together, you ought to follow-up to observe if the behavior changes. Learn how to exercise patience and do not expect instant results as change is often slow but sure. Always aim for small wins that will eventually lead to a changed behavior that will benefit the entire organization.

Dealing with difficult and disruptive employees is never fun and can be a daunting task. However, it is your responsibility as the leader of the organization to see to it that the problem is resolved in the appropriate way. Approach these issues in a timely manner to ensure that you succeed.

Categories: No More Difficult People, Work | Tags: difficult employees, difficult people, management, managers, supervisors, workplace |

Use Mindfulness for Better Relationships

Published on: November 19, 2016 | Author: Dana Lightman Team

What is mindfulness anyway?  Essentially, being mindful simply means being present in the moment. It is focusing on sensory details, how you’re feeling, and what people around you are saying to you.

So, how can you use mindfulness to improve the quality of your relationships?  Below are some suggestions.

Learn to nip arguments in the bud
We’ve all been there. Something that your spouse/friend/child/boss does regularly is getting to you. Maybe it’s leaving the dishes in the sink or showing up late for lunch. If you were being mindful about how each of these situations was impacting your mood, you’d be positioning yourself to be responsive rather than reactive.  The key is to pay attention to the present moment, on purpose, in a non-judgmental way.  As this becomes more natural and normal for you, you can become your own self-soother, catching stressful feelings before they overwhelm your thinking brain.  In this way, you give yourself time to choose how you want to act…hopefully from an assertive (as opposed to aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive) approach.

Be in tune with others
Not only does being mindful allow you to know how an interaction with another person makes you feel, but it allows you to spot when something might be off for that other person. When you’re in tune with a person, you are being mindful of who they are, what their needs and wants are, and what their expectations are. This sets you up to be an effective influencer.  While you can’t control another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors, you can certainly influence them.  And you have a better chance of success when you operate knowing the other person’s mood, needs, desires, drivers, intentions, preferences and perspectives.  In other words, you are sharing your perspective while speaking from their point-of-view.

Admit when you’re wrong
Not only do mindful individuals admit when they’re wrong, but they approach each situation with the belief that the fact that they could be wrong is very much a possibility that’s on the table.  When you approach every difference with the mindset of ‘I may be wrong’, this allows you to put aside your own feelings, beliefs, fears and worries, and focus on what the other person is saying.  Yes, this may be difficult, but with focus and mindfulness, it can become more automatic.

Keep communication open
In the midst of a conflictual interaction, it’s very common to feel like you’re not being understood, and vice versa.  If you develop a pattern of conflict avoidance (to keep the peace, for example), you are less likely to actually resolve issues. This shutdown occurs because one or the other feels so anxious and upset that they exit the conversation before any solutions can be found. This is where a bit of mindfulness helps.  If you can stay in the present moment, you are more likely to recognize this pattern of shutting down.  You are more likely to reduce your anxiety, and thereby feel safer in trying to resolve the disagreement.

With all of these benefits, how can you practice mindfulness so you can reap the rewards?  The key is to be mindful as regularly and as often as you can.  Stop and ask yourself: “What am I feeling in this moment?”  If the answer is “negative,” then check in to see what you can do to soothe yourself.  If the answer is a “positive” one, ask yourself what you can do to keep your heart open and your mind clear.  With practice, this will become second nature!

Categories: Influence, No More Difficult People, Positivity | Tags: couples, difficult people, focus, marriage, mindfulness, positive attitude, relationships, work place |

How Successful People Handle Toxic People

Published on: February 18, 2016 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
No More Difficult People

Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.

To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They Set Limits (Especially with Complainers)

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They Don’t Die in the Fight

Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They Rise Above

Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They Stay Aware of Their Emotions

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They Establish Boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.

While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what toxic people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re never as good or bad as they say you are.

They Don’t Focus on Problems—Only Solutions

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They Don’t Forget

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They Squash Negative Self-Talk

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

They Use Their Support System

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Adapted from an article by Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. on LinkedIn.

 

Categories: No More Difficult People, Strategies, Work | Tags: anger, boundaries, Dana Lightman, difficult people, joy, no more difficult people, Optimism, self-talk, toxic people |

Tip 2: Get In Your Control Zone (Part Three)

Published on: June 4, 2015 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
dana lightman difficult person

 

Here’s another way to show the relationship between your response and your situation.  It’s the equation: Situation + Response = Outcome

Oftentimes, we must deal with negative situations that are beyond our control to change. In these circumstances, to affect the outcome, you must concentrate on what can be changed by you—namely, your response to the situation. It is your response that places you on an upward spiral. Interestingly, we usually think about this in reverse. We assume that the situation itself produces the outcome when in reality it is our responses to that situation that lead to either negative or positive results.

Once I went to conduct a workshop and found that the room wasn’t ready and there were twice the number of people I’d been told to expect. That was the situation, and my response was up to me. I was annoyed, of course, but the situation was what it was and I couldn’t control it. I knew that if I remained irritated and angry, the workshop would suffer and I wouldn’t enjoy the day. Moreover, the people who had come to hear me wouldn’t enjoy the day and wouldn’t get any benefit from being there for four hours. The outcome was bound to be negative and not helpful for anyone. So, I changed my response from irritation and decided to just let things unfold. I decided my response would be one of spontaneity and that I would enjoy myself no matter what. The workshop was not just successful; it was one of the best I’ve ever done! By shifting my response, the outcome became positive, and everyone benefited.

To sum up, getting into your Control requires you to actively choose your responses to situations and events in your life.  When you are in the No Control Zone, you will be wasting your energy and depleting your inner resources. For example, you may be spending time worrying about how much money you’ll have for retirement, yet it won’t do you any good to worry. When you stop worrying and start taking necessary actions to prepare for the future, such as going to a financial advisor or reading books on investing, you have moved into the Influence Zone. If there are no actions to take, you can still choose to stop worrying, recognizing that worrying is fruitless. If you are continuously thinking about the past, you can enter the Control Zone by intentionally choosing to let go of past events. Remember, you are in the No Control Zone when you look to others to bring you happiness and success. If your spouse is in a bad mood, for example, that doesn’t mean you have to take it personally. Your wellbeing depends not on changing others, but on your own interpretations and reactions to what is happening in the present moment. When you put yourself in the Control Zone, you are creating your own empowerment and letting your positive energy flow.

 

Categories: Optimism, Positivity, Potential, Resiliency | Tags: control, Dana Lightman, difficult people, empowerment, influence, Optimism, POWER Optimism |

Tip 2: Get In Your Control Zone (Part Two)

Published on: May 7, 2015 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
dana lightman disappointment

 

 

The only thing you always have control over is your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This is the Control Zone. You have control over your responses, your interpretations and how you will handle a situation. You have control over what you will do. To build conditions for success by unleashing your positive energy, center your actions on yourself and keep your energy focused in the Control Zone. By intentionally choosing your response to a given situation so that you remain in the Control Zone, you can have the most positive impact for yourself. For every specific event, there will be elements that you can control and elements that you cannot. If you’re thinking, “This is what I can do,” that’s good.  You are feeding the positive wolf.  You’re in the Control Zone, and you actually can have an impact and respond in a way that will be successful for you.

Let me give you an example about from my professional life to illustrate the benefit of getting into your Control Zone.  When I first went into private practice, I spent a lot of time in the No Control Zone. I worried about what would happen if I didn’t get any clients, if no one wanted to hire me as a consultant and if I would make enough money. Lots of terrible images and scenarios played out in my mind: I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills; I’d lose my house; I’d be a total failure. Of course, I felt terrible. I then realized that I was completely stuck in the No Control Zone because all I was doing was worrying. My worry was not leading to any productive results, only sleepless nights.

Then I shifted my focus. I thought about what I could influence. In terms of my success with clients, I had responsibility for getting the best training possible and being as good a therapist as possible. I would continue to attend workshops and get supervision. In terms of my success as a businessperson, I could influence building my practice so it would be prosperous. I joined the local Chambers of Commerce and other groups so that I could effectively get the word out about my practice. I taught workshops and classes and advertised my services at those events. I designed and produced materials to help people find me, such as business cards, brochures and posters. None of these things guaranteed that someone would come to me as a client or that a company would hire me as a consultant, even if they saw my materials and heard me speak, but these things helped people learn that I was available and influenced their decision to hire me. I saw each of these activities as a positive step towards building a successful practice and as an investment in my future.

By taking charge of my own thoughts, feelings and actions, I moved into the Control Zone. I stopped worrying about the things that were outside of my control, such as the number of clients I had each week. Instead, I began to work on changing my negative that were clouding my vision. I appreciated my efforts to build my business and to invest energy and time in letting people know about what I do. I was grateful that my bills were getting paid, and I truly celebrated every success, no matter how big or small.

In Part Three, we will examine another way to show the relationship between your response and situation, and then we will sum up the three parts.

 

Categories: Optimism, Positivity, Resiliency | Tags: control, Dana Lightman, difficult people, empowerment, influence, Optimism, POWER Optimism |

Tip 2: Get In Your Control Zone (Part One)

Published on: April 9, 2015 | Author: Dana Lightman Team

Whenever you are faced with a situation that requires you to expend energy, there are three possible arenas in which you can focus that energy: the No Control Zone, the Influence Zone or the Control Zone. Picture these zones like a target.  The outermost ring is the No Control Zone, the middle ring the Influence Zone, and the inner ring is your Control Zone.  To unleash your positive energy, to allow this energy to freely flow, you want to aim your responses in the Control Zone.

Unfortunately, many of us have a tendency, especially initially, to put all our energy in the No Control Zone. When you are not happy or satisfied with a situation, do you rail against the situation, thinking it is the cause of your dissatisfaction?  If so, you have sent yourself head-first into the No Control Zone.  Because the reality is you have no control over the situation at hand. (Yes, you may be able to influence the situation, but more on that later.) When you believe the situation must change in order for you to be happy, you have disempowered yourself.  You are now a victim to that situation.  Here’s another common experience.  You may know intellectually that you can’t control things such as the weather or traffic, but how many times do you still become stressed when it threatens to snow or there is a traffic jam?  I rest my case.  You have just zapped yourself of positive energy by landing in your No Control Zone!

You also can’t control what mood your spouse, child, boss or coworkers may be in. Yet how many times do you hear yourself saying, “I want you to,” or “Why don’t you” or “You should”? These statements tell you you’re in the No Control Zone because you want someone else to do something, but the reality is you cannot control the thoughts, feelings or actions of another person.

There are two other common No Control Zone responses which you can fall into without even realizing it. When you are obsessed about the past, you are in the No Control Zone. Remember, you can’t change the past. When you are worrying about the future, you are also in the No Control Zone, because you cannot predict the future. All of the negative energy you spend ruminating about the past or fretting about the future is wasted. In fact, you can only take actions in the present. Watch for your responses and thoughts that put you in the No Control Zone.  They are energy drainers, and block off your positive energy flow.

You enter the Influence Zone when you try to affect the outcome of a situation. For example, you can try to encourage someone to do something by making a request or presenting your opinion to the other person. Whenever you say, “I would really appreciate if you would do this for me,” you are operating in the Influence Zone. Does that mean that the other person has to do what you want? No. It doesn’t even mean that they will do what you want after you’ve explained it. You can make your needs and wishes known, and the other person can choose to act on that information or not. That’s all you can do to let the other person know what’s going on with you. Whenever you enter the Influence Zone, it is important not to hold onto expectations about the results. Let your thoughts, feelings and needs be known, and then let go of the results. If you are not ready to let go of the results, you are actually operating in the No Control Zone, and are back to blocking your positive energy.

In Part Two, we will be examining the Control Zone.

Categories: Influence, Optimism, Positivity, Resiliency | Tags: control, Dana Lightman, difficult people, empowerment, influence, Optimism, positive actions, POWER Optimism |

Tip One: Retrain Your Amygdala (Part Two)

Published on: March 12, 2015 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman emotions

(In Part One we explored the origin and consequences of amygdala hijacks.  In this post, I explore what you can do to retrain your brain.)

 

 Here are some things you can do to retrain your brain:

Practice self-observation. By paying attention to your own moods and reactions, you can identify when you’ve been emotionally hijacked and can start to intervene with the thinking part of your brain. First, work on identifying what your triggers are, so that when a similar trigger happens in the future you will be able to understand what’s really happening. Self-observation also includes reflecting back after a hijack and identifying what triggered it. It’s also useful to keep track of how you respond when you’re emotionally flooded. Do you start yelling? Do you withdraw quickly from conflict? All of this information will be helpful as you work to stop yourself from experiencing uncontrolled emotional hijacks.

Delay your reaction and examine your experience. Our brains automatically respond to emotional hijacks, and we are programmed to revert to knee-jerk reactions. Instead of reacting the next time you’re emotionally hijacked, see if you can sit with the body’s response and the brain’s thoughts. Examine the feeling you’re having while knowing that you don’t have to do anything about it. One particularly helpful strategy is to engage in the practice of “mindfulness.” This is simply the practice of being aware of every moment and fully experiencing it. It means not judging or thinking, just observing what is happening. With this kind of detachment, you are likely to find that the normal slights and irritations of everyday life are really not that important, and you can learn to avoid an emotional reaction to them. Emotions, left alone, will dissipate on their own; if you continue to feed them through obsession or rumination, however, the emotions will gain strength.

        One of my clients, Leo, used to get emotionally hijacked at work when his boss didn’t praise his work on projects or acknowledge his contribution to the team efforts. Leo would often become upset and interpret her silence to mean that he hadn’t been performing well enough to earn any praise or recognition. Afterwards, he sought out his boss in order to get reassurance about his performance from her, but Leo eventually recognized that she was growing impatient with this constant need for what she called “hand holding.” Leo’s boss was tired of telling him that she was satisfied with his work and thought he was a good team member (except for his constant need for reassurance). So, Leo decided to work on his reaction to the feelings of not getting enough praise. He would still get hijacked at times when he felt that his boss was not praising him enough. Despite this, he learned not to react to these feelings but instead to just sit with them. Leo acknowledged his inner experience, in which he felt devalued and inadequate, but recognized that the feeling did not reflect reality. In fact, he reminded himself that his boss had reassured him about his value countless times. Leo adopted a new operating principle that said, “My boss will tell me if there is a problem. If she doesn’t say anything, it means everything is fine.” With this internal message, his negative emotional reactions became weaker.

        Separate feeling from reality. An emotional hijack occurs with very basic feelings of anger, fear and sadness. The emotions that occur during an emotional hijack are very broad. They aren’t subtle or nuanced in the way that happens when we can engage our logic or reason. This broad, negative feeling is not reality. You may be feeling like you’re being abandoned, rejected or attacked, but that is only a constructed reality based on inaccurate feelings, memories and information. If you say to yourself, “This is just a feeling. It is not reality,” it can help diffuse the power of the emotional hijack. Separating feelings from reality means recognizing that you don’t have to make any actions or draw any conclusions from the feeling you’re having. You don’t have to use it as the basis of forming connections about the present experience. This is exactly what Leo did in the example above.  By recognizing that his feeling didn’t reflect reality, he was able to detach himself from those feelings, calm down, and retrain his brain.

        Do or say something different. Break the pattern of the negative emotion by reacting in a new way. This will help your brain to develop new pathways and weaken the pathway that triggers an emotional hijack. If you usually withdraw when you’re emotionally hijacked, do something connective. Instead of walking away from someone you’re fighting with, reach out a hand to them. If you usually shout and scream when you’re mad, be quiet for once and see how that feels. Trying a new response will help your brain to learn creative and innovative responses to your traditional emotional triggers.

        So remember, you may not be able to prevent an amygdala hijack.  Instead of being lead around by the nose by your amygdala, you can unleash your positive energy.  How?  By using the strategies discussed here to manage your reactions and intentionally choose your responses.  Show that amygdala who’s in charge!

 

Categories: Change, Negative Thinking, Personality | Tags: anger, Dana Lightman, difficult people, fight, flight, POWER Optimism, reactive, responsive |

Who Pushes Your Hot Buttons?

Published on: November 11, 2014 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman positive energy

 

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax was asked by a reader  how to handle her “button-pushing sister.”  In her response, Hax in part tells the questioner not to allow others to control the access to her sensitivities.  The questioner then writes back to Hax to elaborate on this strategy, stating “I don’t ‘give’ people like this access to my sensitivities, they just now exactly what they are and how to use them to hurt me  Even if I put on a show like it doesn’t hurt, it still hurts.”

Hax’s response was so perfectly stated, I am restating it here, with the caption: “I couldn’t have said it better myself!”

Answer:  I’ll use my experience in reading hostile mail for 16 years, and also in some volatile, now-ex friendships.  Both used to upset me deeply, and now the same things barely register.  Nothing about the other parties changed, the abuse still comes.  What has changed is inside me: I value their (or anyone’s) opinion less; I am more accepting of, less embarrassed by, and therefore less defensive about my own shortcomings; and I learned more constructive ways to handle my hard feelings.  Combine the three and I am just not as, for lack of a better work, hurtable as I used to be.

Needless to say, I couldn’t agree more.  Dealing with difficult people is an INSIDE job!!!

Source:  The Philadelphia Inquirer, August 21, 2014, p. C2

Categories: Conflict resolution, No More Difficult People, Strategies | Tags: abuse, advice, anger, Dana Lightman, difficult people, hot buttons, no more difficult people |

Manage Hot Button Reactions

Published on: November 21, 2013 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman manage hot buttons

When a difficult person pushes your hot button, how do you respond?  Learn three tips for how to deal with a negative reaction.  Recognize that managing difficult people at work may really be about managing yourself.

CLICK ON THE PHOTO BELOW TO VIEW VIDEO!

"Take charge of negative emotions"

Remember: you are entitled to your feelings, but how you deal with your emotions can be the difference between a downward spiral or an upward spiral.

Categories: Negative Thinking, No More Difficult People, Strategies | Tags: dealing with anger, dealing with stress, difficult employees, difficult people, negative emotions |

Wired to be Negative

Published on: April 16, 2013 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman confidence

 

 

Did you know that we have separate brain circuits to handle negative and positive information? And it is probably no surprise to you that the negative circuits are more sensitive than the circuits that handle positive phenomena. This accounts for what scientists call the negativity bias. John Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago, has shown that electrical activity in the brain spikes more strongly in response to negative stimuli than equally potent positive ones. “Most people respond more to the bad than to the good,” says Cacioppo. It’s no accident, therefore, that you have a tendency to weigh flaws more heavily than attributes when sizing up other people.

The negativity bias shows up very strongly when it comes to critical feedback. You overreact to the negative and fail to see the larger picture. Your brain prevent you from taking in the positive comments, and your hypersensitivity leads you to see criticism where none exists. Cacioppo says our brains seem to be wired to turn neutral phenomena, such as a request for more information, into either good or bad – usually bad.

When you are the receiver of critical feedback, it is essential that you give yourself time to get out of your “negative” brain. This means waiting to respond to the feedback; getting a reality check from a neutral party; rereading documents when you are calm and centered.

And if you are the giver of feedback, keep these 8 rules in mind to minimize the negativity bias.

1. Always lead with questions: How do you think you’re doing? It gives the recipient joint ownership of the problem and helps him feel included, not excluded.

2. Never give criticism unless it’s been invited; unsolicited negative feedback only provokes annoyance and will be discounted.

3. Make sure you are seen as having the authority to give corrective feedback. Criticism from those perceived as peers or unqualified to give it incites resistance and rebellion.

4. Distinguish whether a demand for change reflects your needs or is a valid critique of how someone is doing something. Know when “You’re too demanding” really means “I wish I felt more accepted.”

5. Never give feedback when you’re angry; anger alienates the listener. Expressing disappointment is more productive.

6. Know who you’re talking to. Narcissists take any criticism as a personal attack; the insecure lose all self-esteem.

7. Know yourself, too. If you’re relatively insensitive to criticism, curb the tendency to be heavy-handed when delivering it.

8. Expect defensiveness as a first response to criticism; a change in performance may come later.

What hurts most in negative feedback isn’t as much the overt content of the message as the negative bias that gets triggered. Now that you understand your brain’s response, you can step in to prevent the negativity bias from ruining your day. When you start on that downward spiral, it’s time to start activating your positive brain circuits!!!

Source: Psychology Today, March/April 2011, p. 59.

 

Categories: Conflict resolution, Influence, Negative Thinking, No More Difficult People, Strategies | Tags: Dana Lightman, difficult people, feedback, negativity, no more difficult people, Optimism, positivity, POWER Optimism |

Rebuffed? No Need to Feel Rejected!

Published on: March 14, 2013 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman rejection

 

When you try to help someone, it can feel like a personal affront if they turn you down.  The first tendency is to feel rejected – a sure trip to that downward spiral.  Instead of feeling bad about yourself or the other person, instead of anger or frustration, take into account the following reasons that may be a play:

Pride.  Sometimes, accepting help can feel like admitting inferiority, inadequacy, dependency or defeat.  An offer of money, for example, even as a loan, can make someone feel like a charity case, and accepting help on a project may register as an inability to successfully complete something unaided.

Unworthiness.  If people grow up thinking that asking for things without explicitly earning them is unacceptably selfish, they might feel that they have no right to your help.  If these individuals did allow themselves to take what you are freely offering, they would end up feeling guilty or even anxious.

Indebtedness.  People who seem excessively independent may have learned to be that way because their experience validated the notion that taking anything from anybody is too risky.  If your offer threatens their sense of freedom, independence, security, or autonomy, they’ll feel compelled to reject it.

Vulnerability.  Those with serious trust issues may fear that accepting a favor will create an imbalance, weakening their status in the relationship.  If in the past such “taking” was, unexpectedly, used against them, why would they risk reexperiencing such betrayal.

So, stop yourself going on a downward spiral the next time you get rebuffed.  Don’t take it personally.  Look to one of these interpretations.  After all, your interpretation of the event is what produces your success and wellbeing!

Source:  Psychology Today, January/February 2013, p. 10

Categories: Negative Thinking, No More Difficult People, Strategies | Tags: Dana Lightman, difficult people, indebtedness, no more difficult people, Optimism, positive attitude, pride, rejection, unworthiness, vulnerability |

Don’t Let Difficult People Give You the Holiday Blues

Published on: December 7, 2011 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman difficult people

We often have mental pictures of the perfect holiday based on television, movies and advertisement images.  Even though we know these images may be unrealistic, especially when it comes to the difficult people in our lives, we hold on to them.  Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, stress and depression over this holiday season, learn about two tips to neutralize the difficult people you encounter over this holiday season:

  • Let go of the ideal.
  • Focus on the positive aspects.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgQJoW8KGhc

Learn more tips and strategies to prevent other people’s “difficult” behaviors from ruining your holiday season.  Neutralize those negative behaviors in 2012 with the No More Difficult People series…on sale for 50% off.  Click here for details.

 

Categories: Depression, Disappointment, Happiness, No More Difficult People, Positivity, Stress | Tags: difficult behaviors, difficult people, Happiness, happy holidays, holiday blues, negativity, positive attitude, positivity, stress |

Do You Carry Around Your Difficult Person?

Published on: July 20, 2011 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
dana lightman difficult person

You can’t escape from difficult people.  The very fact that there are differences between people means that tension will result.  Compound that with the fact that you (as well as your “difficult person”) may be tired, stressed and on overload.  When that happens, differences turn into difficulties.  Now you’re in a downward spiral loop.  You’re already stressed, and this difficult person has added to your stress, so you get more annoyed, angry and frustrated, which puts you on even more of a downward spiral.  The key to breaking this cycle is to let go of this person.   

Watch this video to learn how you can stop the energy drain of carrying around the difficult people you encounter.   Learn how to put two easy steps into action to turn your downward spiral into an upward one.

 httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8klHyAm691g

Now you have two strategies that work: (1) Ask yourself “Am I ready to let this person go?” and (2) Replace negative feelings with positive ones.  So, even if that difficult person never changes or apologies or acknowledges that they are difficult, you have put yourself on an upward spiral.  You have left this person on the river bank as you go on to have a great day.   Use these steps to stop being a victim to other people’s problematic behaviors…and let me know how it goes!

Categories: No More Difficult People, Strategies, Stress | Tags: communication, dealing with difficult people, difficult people, empowerment, negativity, Optimism, positivity, power, rumination, upward spiral |

Stop Being a Victim to Others’ Unreasonable and Demanding Behaviors

Published on: June 8, 2011 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
dana lightman difficult person

There is nothing like a difficult person to send you on a downward spiral.   Actually, it is not the person who is difficult, but their behavior.  And some of the most challenging behaviors are those you experience as demanding, unreasonable and irrational.  Sometimes you can just walk away, but more often than not, these types of difficult people are in your life to stay – perhaps a boss, an in-law or a family member.  Regardless of whether you encounter these behaviors in your personal or professional life, there are practical strategies you can take to prevent yourself from spiraling downward.  These include:

  • Recognize and change your irrational beliefs.
  • Don’t take it personally.
  • Practice radical acceptance.

The YouTube episode below gives you the details.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSXJkCrvveQ                                                          

So, now you have some tips for preventing that downward slide.  But what if you actually want to put yourself on an upward spiral.  Part 2 in this YouTube series puts you in your control zone with three more strategies:

  • Take charge of your experience.
  • Set limits.
  • Don’t take the bait.

Check out the video below to get the details.

 httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj0mkQVzQgQ

So, if you have a person you encounter on a regular basis whose behavior is unreasonable and demanding,  you now have six strategies that empower you to move from victim to “thriver.”  Put them into practice and find your upward spiral!!!

Categories: No More Difficult People, Strategies, Work | Tags: dealing with difficult people, difficult people, empowerment, irrational beliefs, no more difficult people, positivity, radical acceptance, setting limits |

Stop Difficult People from Bringing You Down

Published on: May 11, 2011 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
dana lightman difficult people

It’s easy to stay on an upward spiral, as long as everyone around you cooperates.  But what if you have a demanding boss, a complaining in-law, a disgruntled teenager or a moody coworker?  Chances are that you experience these behaviors as difficult, and when you encounter these individuals, you plummet from your upward spiral to a downward one.  That’s why I created a new series called No More Difficult People.  To give you strategies and tools to stop other people’s troubling behaviors from troubling you!

The No More Difficult People program shifts your focus from changing the difficult people in your life towards what you can always control – your responses, interpretations, actions, thoughts and feelings.  From your control zone, you are empowered to unhook yourself from the difficult people in your life and create the positive outcomes you deserve.

Sound intriguing?  Here are the six principles that form the foundation of this unique approach.

                            The Six Principles

  1. Differences between people are natural.  Difficulties between people are circumstantial.
  2. The solution starts with me and not the other person.
  3. My interpretation of a behavior determines my experience.
  4. I am responsible for the way I feel.  No one has to behave in a certain way for me to feel good.
  5. Interacting with people I perceive as difficult is an opportunity to grow.
  6. My power of influence is greatest when I am centered and neutral.

 

Click here to sign up for a free 16-page feature article that explains these principles and gives you action steps so you can get started right away putting these strategies into practice.

Want more information?  Watch the video below for an overview of this new series.  

 httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT09rpN2F7o

So why not get your free feature article.  Just click here and sign up! 

Discover your freedom and power to create your own positive experiences, regardless of the difficult people in your life.  

 Visit:  www.NoMoreDifficultPeople.com

Categories: No More Difficult People, Positivity, Strategies | Tags: communication, dealing with difficult people, difficult people, empowerment, hot buttons, negativity, Optimism, positivity, power, upward spiral |

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