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"Create the outcomes you want...regardless of the circumstances."

Motivational Keynote Speaker

Tag Archives: self-esteem

Is It Time to Truly Accept Yourself? What are you waiting for?

Published on: February 20, 2017 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
power optimism

Self-acceptance is one key to living your life on an upward spiral.  Think of how many times you put yourself down if you make a mistake, forget something, say something awkward, look in the mirror, compare yourself to others.  You get the idea.  Each time you venture into self-denigration, you put yourself on a downward spiral…and lower your happiness and optimism set-point. It’s time to change that.  Get an overview below of self-acceptance.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance

Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable or worthwhile you view yourself, while self-acceptance is a more global affirmation of self. When you are self-accepting, you are able to embrace all facets of yourself, so self-acceptance is actually unconditional, free of any qualification. You can recognize your weaknesses and limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with your ability to fully accept yourself.


How To Become More Self-Accepting

Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating self-acceptance requires the development of more self-compassion. When you can better understand and forgive yourself, you are laying the foundation for self-acceptance.

To become more self-accepting, start by telling yourself (repeatedly and– hopefully–with ever-increasing conviction) that given all of your negatively biased self-referencing beliefs, you’ve done the best you possibly could. In this light,  re-examine residual feelings of guilt as well as self-criticisms and put-downs. Ask yourself specifically what it is you don’t accept about yourself and bring compassion and understanding to each aspect of self-rejection or -denial..

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement

In reality, self-acceptance has nothing to do with self-improvement as such. For it really isn’t about “fixing” anything in yourself. With self-acceptance you’re just–non-judgmentally–affirming who you are, with whatever strengths–and weaknesses–you possess in the moment.

The problem with any focus on self-improvement is that such an orientation inevitably makes self-acceptance conditional. After all, you can’t ever feel totally secure or good enough so long as your self-regard depends on constantly bettering yourself. Self-acceptance is here-and-now oriented–not future oriented, as in: “I’ll be okay when . . .” or “As soon as I accomplish . . . I’ll be okay.” Self-acceptance is about already being okay, with no qualifications–period. It’s not that you ignore or deny your faults or frailties, just that you view them as irrelevant to your basic acceptability.

Remember

Finally, it’s you–and you alone–who sets the standards for your self-acceptance. And once you decide to stop grading yourself, or “keeping score with” yourself, you can adopt an attitude of unconditional self-acceptance.

Categories: Forgiveness, Strategies | Tags: love, radical acceptance, self improvement, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-love |

Stop the Comparison Game

Published on: September 17, 2014 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman stop comparing

 

 

Do you compare yourself to other people?   Of course you do, because this is human nature.  It is only natural to experience envy.   Envy isn’t all bad.  It  can be a motivator in the short-run.  For example, if you envy your neighbor’s new car, this can motivate you to work harder in order to earn more money for your own new car.  The problem with playing the comparison game is that envy can become a toxic emotion.  Too much envy, and you will get stuck.

Let me explain.  While it may be comforting to know that on any given measure – whether money, appearance or job status – you will outrank some, there are always others who will outrank you.  This puts you on a downward spiral, a dangerous place to be if you want to keep energized towards reaching your goal.

And, when you are grappling with toxic envy, you often try to make yourself feel better by putting others down.  The belief is that if I can tear you down, I will build myself up.  But this practice doesn’t really put you on an upward spiral because deep down inside, you still don’t believe that YOU measure up.

So, stop playing the comparison game and start focusing on you.  Here are three quick – yet effective – tips to put on an upward spiral:

  • Shift your focus.  Mentally run through those life circumstances in which you feel confident and appreciate yourself.
  • Decide to find your own measure of success.  Remember, you create your  own vision and determine our own goals that are meaningful for you.
  • Challenge yourself to be happy  with your current situation.   In fact, with a positive attitude, you are more likely to make improvements.

End the comparison game…focus on you…and enjoy the journey.  After all, this is YOUR life so you might as well enjoy YOUR journey!

 

Categories: Energy Boost, Happiness, Resiliency | Tags: Dana Lightman, Optimism, POWER Optimism, self-esteem, self-worth, strengths, success |

Three Ways to Build Your Confidence

Published on: May 14, 2013 | Author: Dana Lightman Team
Dana Lightman control

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence will definitely put you on a downward spiral.  But don’t despair.  These three strategies will help boost your confidence and raise your spirits.

Confidence Builder #1: Make a Dependable Skills Inventory

You have strengths that are dependable through your life.  In other words, these strengths are always there for you, even if they have lain dormant for a while.  This exercise helps you to identify these qualities and make an inventory of them, which you can access in times of crisis when you need a confidence boost.

  •  Think of times in your past when you have done something you are proud of, even if these seem insignificant.
  •  List at least three.  Next to them list the qualities, or dependable strengths, that they show you possess.

Confidence Builder #2: Keep a “Three Good Things Diary

Being self-critical can become a habit.  Keeping a three-good-things diary is a way of developing kinder, more helpful ways of thinking.  In fact, focusing on positives not only increases confidence, it also improves health. 

  •  Include all kinds of actions and tasks.  Avoid dismissive thinking, such as “Anyone could have done that.”  Don’t take things for granted, such as “But I had to cook the dinner anyway.”  Remember, it is the ordinary, not the extraordinary, you are looking to notice.
  • It helps to think how you might describe a good friend who had performed the same action.

Confidence Builder #3: Make a 1% Change

Rather than try to push past fears and insecurities when making a change, start small.  By making small changes to your behavior, you can begin to test out what your underlying beliefs might be so you can eradicate them.

  • Identify one thing you do currently that you would like to change.  Ask yourself, “What is that smallest change I can make to that behavior?  For example, if you always stay late for work, could you go home on time just one day a week?
  • It can help to think about someone who is the opposite of you in terms of the behavior.  What would it be like to take one step towards being more like that person?

Use these strategies to feel more confident, and I guarantee you’ll find yourself on an upward spiral.

 Source: Psychologies Magazine, April 2013, pp. 64-65.

 

Categories: Change, Energy Boost, Happiness, Strategies | Tags: change, confidence, Dana Lightman, energy, low self-esteem, Optimism, positive, self-esteem, upward spiral |

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