Tag Archives: hot buttons
Advice columnist Carolyn Hax was asked by a reader how to handle her “button-pushing sister.” In her response, Hax in part tells the questioner not to allow others to control the access to her sensitivities. The questioner then writes back to Hax to elaborate on this strategy, stating “I don’t ‘give’ people like this access to my sensitivities, they just now exactly what they are and how to use them to hurt me Even if I put on a show like it doesn’t hurt, it still hurts.”
Hax’s response was so perfectly stated, I am restating it here, with the caption: “I couldn’t have said it better myself!”
Answer: I’ll use my experience in reading hostile mail for 16 years, and also in some volatile, now-ex friendships. Both used to upset me deeply, and now the same things barely register. Nothing about the other parties changed, the abuse still comes. What has changed is inside me: I value their (or anyone’s) opinion less; I am more accepting of, less embarrassed by, and therefore less defensive about my own shortcomings; and I learned more constructive ways to handle my hard feelings. Combine the three and I am just not as, for lack of a better work, hurtable as I used to be.
Needless to say, I couldn’t agree more. Dealing with difficult people is an INSIDE job!!!
Source: The Philadelphia Inquirer, August 21, 2014, p. C2
We all have hot buttons, those triggers that ignite when someone pushes an emotional sore spot and we go from feeling calm and collected to frustrated and upset. So, what can you do when you are triggered? In this episode of No More Difficult People, I walk you through my last major emotional flooding. As you listen to this tale of triggered reactivity, see if you can relate. Think of the last time you were having a great day when an encounter with a difficult person sent you spiraling downward. What did you do to get yourself on an upward spiral? Listen and discover strategies that will move you from negative emotional overload to positive experiences.
So, the next time you are hijacked by your hot button, check in with your thoughts and feelings and label what is happening. Slow down and don’t take any actions from inside the hijack. Wait until you are neutral and centered. And finally, remember that you can choose to get yourself back on an upward spiral. You may not have any control over when your hot button goes off, but you always have control over how you respond.
It’s easy to stay on an upward spiral, as long as everyone around you cooperates. But what if you have a demanding boss, a complaining in-law, a disgruntled teenager or a moody coworker? Chances are that you experience these behaviors as difficult, and when you encounter these individuals, you plummet from your upward spiral to a downward one. That’s why I created a new series called No More Difficult People. To give you strategies and tools to stop other people’s troubling behaviors from troubling you!
The No More Difficult People program shifts your focus from changing the difficult people in your life towards what you can always control – your responses, interpretations, actions, thoughts and feelings. From your control zone, you are empowered to unhook yourself from the difficult people in your life and create the positive outcomes you deserve.
Sound intriguing? Here are the six principles that form the foundation of this unique approach.
The Six Principles
- Differences between people are natural. Difficulties between people are circumstantial.
- The solution starts with me and not the other person.
- My interpretation of a behavior determines my experience.
- I am responsible for the way I feel. No one has to behave in a certain way for me to feel good.
- Interacting with people I perceive as difficult is an opportunity to grow.
- My power of influence is greatest when I am centered and neutral.
Click here to sign up for a free 16-page feature article that explains these principles and gives you action steps so you can get started right away putting these strategies into practice.
Want more information? Watch the video below for an overview of this new series.
So why not get your free feature article. Just click here and sign up!
Discover your freedom and power to create your own positive experiences, regardless of the difficult people in your life.